Today I might have gotten close to understanding what is it to be lost. I guess all these I felt it but never really admitted to it or even dealt with it. Today I assisted my mother in kitchen to prepare some dahi puris. It was work. It took us atleast one hour to every element before putting it together. But the sad truth was when I sat down to eat it, the pleasure of enjoying the tangy spicy chat lasted a mere two minutes. That is the time I took to finish the plate and soon after I starting feeling low. It felt pointless to have worked for 45 minutes for a pleasure that lasted only two minutes. It then went on to me feeling gasy and then extremely the low. The feeling was of wanting to cry out loud.But I was doing it internally. My husband who is in a different state thought it was because I didn't have a job. But after countless hours of going through the emotion and numerous attempts trying to escape it...it came down to why do I really feel this way occassionally?
Scientifically, it could be termed as depression or a mood disorder but on a spiritual level I don't know why I feel that way. The feeling is more like a sudden sense of sadness or purposelessness. It's weird but it feels as if I'm reaching out for a piece of myself which is somehow not with me. Back in college I thought it was all about finding love to become a whole person. But I guess I'm wrong. These issues are never really about finding an external person but about finding yourself.
I guess this feeling stems from some weird kind of inner dissatisfaction.
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